Revising With Williams

Original sentences from EMU Graduate Catalog:
Most graduate students balance work, family life and community involvement with course work towards a degree completion. It's a juggling act. A team effort or network is needed. The EMU family of faculty and staff are prepared to mentor you through the journey. Let classmates be a part of the network as well. These friendships create a professional linkage that will remain resolute through your professional life.

Revised:
While working towards a degree completion, most students balance work, family life, course work and community involvement. This can be a real juggling act. The EMU faculty and staff, as well as other classmates are excellent resources to assist and mentor students through their journey. These friendships among classmates and faculty create a professional linkage that can be beneficial in future careers.

I chose this paragraph to revise because I felt it was choppy and lacked clarity and cohesion, as Williams might say. I thought the original paragraph jumped all over from explaining how students have to balance work, life and school and then moved on to explain how relationships made at EMU can help students later in their professional life. I felt the topic of the paragraph should be consistent - stick to one topic and create a new paragraph when a new topic is introduced. In the original paragraph, the topic wasn't "kept visible", it seemed to be all over the place. In revising, I tried to steamline the paragraph and make the topic more straight forward.